A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job…
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”
Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.
I said, “is that a fret?”
MLM guy doesnt realize that 10trillion isnt worth dick due to hyperinflation.
https://ift.tt/337k0Gk
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
![[OC] u/vaaliera Ahaha phone bad](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/l6trm5rq9ni41-400x663.jpg)
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine…
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half then leave you.”
"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."
Communism jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets them
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
These days you can’t even say “blackboard” anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently there’s a vas deferens
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
What do you call a midget having an orgasm?
A shortcoming
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom…
….First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
How To Convince Your Wife You Haven’t Been Drinking
A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes, "I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned." So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned. The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars." The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
America will never know a finer moment than when this abomination is out of office.
https://ift.tt/2N1G8uS
My wife gets turned on by shopping
It seems she's buy-sexual
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bail