A shame of that ham
He's now a seasoned veteran.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
Her: How expensive? Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000. Her: You could buy a car for that! Me: That's a bit excessive — I don't think it needs its own car.
Even the cake was in tiers
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
They will tell you.
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
But I’m 2² to say it
Authorities didn't press charges, saying "they felt bad" They thought a long sentence was the last thing he needed
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
They're always up to something.
Don't worry, he's 0K
I hope it's just a phase.
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!
No text found
Dad: No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
They don’t have the guts.
It’s just how eye roll
I don't like high maintenance women.
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.
I learned next to nothing.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife’s sister says ” it sounds like an elephant in there”
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.." My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
Me: That’s ….sound advice.
One goes WHACK! then “uh oh” and the other goes “uh oh” then WHACK!