A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
If someone stole a Tesla…
Would it become an Edison?
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
Lawyer joke from my 8 year old
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
Why was the green melon happily married and the orange melon single for life
Green “hon I dew” Orange “Can’t-elope….”
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
Duck fart
My daughter just looked at me funny when I farted next to her on the couch. She said it sounded like a duck. I replied with "Obviously, it came from my buttquack."
Wanna hear a HIPAA joke?
Sorry, I can't tell you.
Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse…
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
His name is Rick O’Shea.
Wife offered me water, I asked for something harder
She gave me ice
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I’ve been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.
Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.
Do locomotive engineers ever actually do their job?
Or are they always just training?
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. " The blonde look around and says " Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes…"
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
you get them VERY ANGRY
I don’t have a “dad bod”…
I have a father figure.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.