A sign at a potato giveaway.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd
I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".
My wife said that this subreddit was full of stupid, unfunny puns…
But this post I made a couple hours ago says otherwise
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A SEA-SAW
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
What’s the difference between a pest and vermin?
Walt Disney.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity.
Hay bales under a buck
https://ift.tt/2rYyv1i
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them seem to work
Interactive joke
There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. Remember: 3 stories. The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?" The man went up to the second story and saw his son playing a video game. He told him "You're doing it wrong, you're supposed to-" but the son slapped him, saying "Who's playing? Me or you?" Then he went to the third story and saw his daughter doing homework, and told her "this is the wrong answer" and the daughter slapped him, saying "Who's doing homework? Me or you?" Finally, the man went up to the fourth story. (At this point, hopefully your listener would say "but you said there were only 3 stories!" at which poing you slap him/her and say "Who's telling the joke? Me or you?")
Talking to my girlfriend… does this count?
Gf: “I don’t know what you see in me.” Me: “Nothing, I don’t have x-ray vision.” Gf: “You know what I mean.” Me: “Nope. Don’t have telepathy either.”
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
I started a dating site for older people.
OK Boomer Edit: well holy fuck 7 upvotes and I got my first gold. Not sure what I’ll do with it. But thank you kind stranger.
What does a Jew do to his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Looking for hot singles in your area? Or maybe tens or twenties?
Check out Tender!
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
Where are average things made?
The satisfactory.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns