A sign at a potato giveaway.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?
There was nothing left but de brie
I was reading a horror story in braille..
Something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it…
I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him…
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
My wife said “you have a terrible sense of direction,”
So I packed my stuff up and right
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
Is it the first line or the punchline that goes here?
In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being a fast gun in his day. The young gunslinger took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, how fast are you?" The young man drew his pistol pretty quick and before anyone knew it, then shoots the hat off of the piano player's head!" The old man looks over at the piano player and says to the young man, "Well, that wasn't bad. But you're wearing your gun too high. You should have your holster lower on your leg so you can get to your gun quicker when you draw. And son, tie the holster down on your leg." The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Peacemaker and shot the tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the young gunslinger. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yup," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me faster?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the young gunslinger. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. Just but the gun in it, layer it with grease! " The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-time, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a faster gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Probably not!" said the old-timer, "But when Doc Holliday gets done playing that song on the piano, that grease will make it hurt less when he shoves that gun up your ass!"
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.
Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"
Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
To stop his coffin.
META
https://ift.tt/2oS0zTc
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Did you know that the Soviet Union didn’t have mines?
They only had ours!
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
What is an electricians favorite type of news
Current events
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
I was in the bank earlier, when the woman behind the counter started singing, “Downtown”…
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
At this point English has become suck up to the teacher class
At this point English has become suck up to the teacher class
Some of my closest friends might describe me as “deceitful”.
Jokes on them, though. They aren't my friends.
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn’t want to be spotted
I am an overachiever.
Overdraft…overfed…overtired..
How Long is a Chinese name.
No text found
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
Got my dick wet for the first time today
Just learned about this shower thing, pretty cool
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because…
…of the indoor fins…
Dad: so at the ball drop we all have to put our left leg in the air
Me: why Dad: so we can start the new year on the right foot! Me: why are you the way that you are
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.