IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
Burnt my hawaiian pizza last night.
Should have put the oven on aloha setting!
If only there was an easier way
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?" Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Another couple of weeks went by and……….you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail.
He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh at him and say"That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say…. I’m behind The Times.
I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
Where did captain hook buy his hook
The second hand store
If you accidentally put salt instead of sugar in your tea…
It just becomes saltea.
“My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it's what he would have wanted."
Finland has just closed its borders
There’s no way we can cross the Finnish line now.
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
I told my son the other day to never write with a dull pencil.
There's no point
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
[NSFW] What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on me.
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think of a solution in silence.
I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them
So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
Why does Frankenstein’s monster have such a good sense of humor?
Because he's always in stitches!
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day
It's still syncing
Ive noticed an uptick in time travel jokes lately
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:
I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
What Thog say to man
Thog don’t care
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.