A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? "
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."
Would you calculate how many people you could afford to lose for unlimited breadsticks?
https://ift.tt/2Z5Ucvb
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. âIâm lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,â the man said. âCan I please stay here?â âSure,â said the Chinese man. âBut as long as you donât lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, Iâll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. The man agreed to the Chinese manâs conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. âThis old Chinese guy will never find out,â the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese manâs daughterâs room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said âChinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.â The man laughed and though to himself âIs this really the worst Chinese torture?â He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said âChinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.â The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said âChinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.â
Is an entire TV show a valid âboomer humorâ submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
“What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin
Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as Iâm on my phone. A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as heâs loading the penguin up. âJust what do you think youâre doing with that penguin?â The officer demands âI havenât a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured Iâd pick him upâ The man replied âWell I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!â The officer suggested. So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo. The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over. âHey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!â The officer stated âYeah we did that yesterday, today Iâm taking him to the ball gameâ
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.
The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, âI read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.â The redhead says, âwell I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boyâ The blonde starts wailing and crying âoh god! Iâm going to have puppies!!â
Why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. Ok, I'm leaving …..
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
“He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword” said Jesus
the carpenter who was nailed to some wood
What we call a monster we can’t find?
Wherewolf.
Doctor: Sorry sir.. Your DNA is reversed.
Man: AND ?
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision …
… I can't wait to see them all.
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, âI’m looking for a turn-off.â
I said, âI repost jokes on Reddit.â
Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area
…Iâm one of them.
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
I went to see an Egyptian doctor to try and fix my back…
He's a Cairo-practor…
TIL why nurses always carry red crayonsâŠ
It's in case they have to draw blood…
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
Wife: âI look fat. Can you give me a compliment?â
Husband: âYou have perfect eyesight.â
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
The inventor of auto correct died last week…
Restaurant In Peace
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: Itâs a bit hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
I just watched a video of a drill.
It was a bit boring.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I’ve seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But Iâm thinking of giving it a shot.
A scottish man was found dead after a serious bar fight…
The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.