A slice to enjoy…
What does “The Sixth Sense” have in common with “Titanic”?
Icy dead people.
What did the reindeer say to a kid before telling them a joke?
“This one is gonna sleigh you.”
Genie: I will grant you two wishes.
Guy: two? It’s always three, right? Genie: look at your crotch. Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick. Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. You’re welcome.
Here is a few magnets my parents keep on their fridge.
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
I think a new acronym is warranted
I Have Never Been So Offended By Something I 100% Agree With
And I’m only in second year
Found on FB
You all know the outcome
Got to know your outfit
The signal and the noise
When you’re already having a bad day, and youtube slams you with this
racism no more
Round young virgin
I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.
I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.
YouTube algorithm scares me
Why skype??Why you do this??
“Everything left of Reagan is Communism” – What a magat at work actually told me on Friday.
Cmon guys, they’re boomers
I bought shoes from a drug dealer,
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
My social life is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
What a difference a week makes.
There are some things worth getting angry about
Please, let me watch Food Network in peace
The pseudo science lover
There is a new restaurant named Karma
It does not have a menu Because you get what you deserve
Even coffee can’t fix this bug
If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick…
Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
Well said Mr.Pitt.
It’s a conspiracy
The MATLAB experience
T H O N K 💯
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup" "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…". "Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go", the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000".
Little meme that I made.
My favourite laws
1. Thermodynamics – energy cannot be created or destroyed 2. Murphy’s – anything that can go wrong will 3. Cole’s – thinly sliced cabbage
My coworker posted this and everything about it screamed r/boomershumor
What do you call half of a Russian tree?
C++ is the language of gods
Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room Jeffery Epstien didn't kill himself laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
This grown ass man
Money is magnet
Sit down, Karen.
Panda! You missed all the excitement!
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time
Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
Thank god for IntelliSense
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
A total disgrace.
If only there was a way to find out who was president in 2017…..
I’ll pitch in
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Talk to your kids about herpetology, folks!
Credit to u/19map97
Where do bad rainbows go?