A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
Just stop giving a shit
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
A song came on on the speakers and I asked "Is this green Day?" He replied "No, it's valentine's Day"
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
Hot and wet and hot and miserable.
But my wife said that was irrational.
Now, it makes all the cents in the world.
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
The tree’s bark.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
Because Rick Astley is British.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.
As a part of their job, executioners are not allowed to high five their victims before executing them.
It’s their job to leave them hanging.
My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation
It was a baseless accusation
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.
I was shocked
Good players are hard to find.
He came, he saw, he conquered
I know I’m not > or < than any anyone else