A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
I had a cracker for lunch.
First square meal I've had in days.
Up next: How to sound good in a band. Stay Tuned!!
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Bro was really hungry
Bro was really hungry
What type of bread can fly?
A plane bagel
Yes i masturbate fully naked
if you dont like it, go to another starbucks
To the guy who invented 0…
Thanks for nothing!
What is a horse’s favorite kind of wine ?
Caberneigh…
You should never buy Velcro
It’s a total ripoff
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
I never believed my friend would steal from his job as a road worker
but then I started to see the signs
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me
I thought it was a nice jester
My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, they just waved. Sea what I did there? Im Shore you did, but can’t kelp it but laugh
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
Being an undertaker is a lifeless job.
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If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
I’ve tried to use the word “mucho” when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
Sex with ghosts
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Hamid raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?
Cause groups of fish are called schools
The Mailman
Courtesy of my science teacher who gives us a joke every day before class. A kid, about 5 or 6 years old, woke up one night at 4 in the morning screaming. His mother rushed into the room to see what was wrong. He told her he dreamed that their cat died. The mother assured him the cat was fine and they both went back to sleep. At about two o'clock in the afternoon the next day, the mother went outside to find their cat, which wasn't that old, dead. The next early morning, the kid woke up screaming again, and the mother rushed in. He informed her he dreamed that their grandma died. Almost like clockwork, the mother got a call at two o'clock that their grandma had a heart attack. She didn't make it over in time to say goodbye. Once again, at 4 in the morning the kid woke up screaming. Same scenario, except this time the kid said, "I had a dream daddy died." At this point, the parents are scared, so they hatch a plan to make sure the dad didn't die. The next morning, the dad got up, ate breakfast, and went to work, being very careful and scared on the road. He made it to his office, and locked himself in. He waited a until midnight before coming home, exhausted but alive. They were both happy, but the dad asked, "did anything happened while I was gone?" The mother said, "Yeah, didn't you hear? The mailman was delivering and got run over by a truck and died!"
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent…..
…in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
I’m so straight, I don’t touch myself when I jerk off.
My buddy Brian does it for me.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
If ‘A’ is for apple, and ‘B’ is for banana, what is ‘C’ for ?
Plastic explosives