A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we are having for dinner tonight
She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
How heavy is a Jew
Chances are he Israelite
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
What’s the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?
Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Stephen King has a son named Joe
I’m not joking, but he is.
What do you call a paralysed gay man?
A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.
I pooped in the elevator
I took that shit to another level!
Why do teenagers love meat so much?
Because meat is Protein…I…I should go
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
I said, “Wait, I can change!”
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
http://chng.it/BDBrQHFJrk
A woman is giving birth to twins.
Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered. She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her. "Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow…he's not entirely all there" "Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise" "That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?" The nurse replies "Denephew"
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
Did you hear about the communist sniper?
He was an incredible marxman
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me “small penis no problem, small penis no problem”
I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
I don’t get any of these dad jokes in this community!!!!
I must not have Reddit right.
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
I’ll never use that dictionary again…
The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I don’t usually tell Dad jokes,
But when I do, he usually laughs
What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
Just so everybody’s clear…
I’m going to put my glasses on…
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents an
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
