A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
A Construction Company
A construction company was once working on a large corporate building. The manager was overseeing it's construction, making sure every beam was squared and every brick was the right shade. After all, he had even hired artists to add bright murals to the place. Halfway through the making of this, a worker approached the manager. The worker says, "Sir, isn't this building a bit colorful for a corporate workplace? I mean, we can barely transport all this dye with the forklift!" To which the manager replies, "Not to worry my friend! It'll work! You just need to expand your pallet!"
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
The western world
A copypasta
Someone stole my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about that
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
Windows 10 updates be like…
Microsoft: We’ve teamed up with vendors to make our security so good, that no one will ever be able to enter your system again.User: But, how do I get in?Microsoft: WE DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS!
A friend suggested trying a local honey for my allergies. So I did that.
Now my wife wants a divorce.
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.
What does Yoda call a shape with three sides?
A do-or-do-not-angle. There is no try-angle.
Did you hear about the new movie “Constipation”?
It Hasn’t come out yet. But Critics are saying it’s crap. And there’s a sequel…. “Number 2”
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
SUMPRODUCT()
I was addicted to soap
But now I'm clean
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. "What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee. "I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. `"Try it now,'' said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?'' "BP,'' answered the bee.
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
What do you call a veterinarian who practices chiropracty?
An animal cracker.
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. Cole’s Law…
Is basically just cabbage.
Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.
They fuck you once a month for 25 years, they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend, and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.
"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these — they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?
What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
I’m hosting a charity event for people who can’t orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
I just don’t see it.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady. [Based on a true story!]
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
I finally found a book that I was totally glued to.
It was a family album
to be frank,
I'd have to change my name
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure…
I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody…
