A son walks in on his parents having sex NSFW
The parents see the boy and he runs off to his room.
The mother puts on her robe and goes into the boys room
The boy ask his mother what she was doing.
“You know how daddy has a big stomach? Sometimes mummy has to get on top of daddy and flatten it.”
“You’re wasting your time” says the boy.
The mother confused asks “what do you mean?”
“Well when you go to the supermarket the woman next door comes over and blows him back up.”
My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said “This isn’t working”
Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
Two books meet in a Library. One says ‘ You don’t look too well ‘ and the other replies..
… Just had my Appendix removed.
I tried to eat a clock the other day.
It was really time consuming
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
“Hello I’d like to register for mime classes”
"Ah, say no more"
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.
(This particular god carries a large hammer) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man. God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes. Man: What?! Just three? I want at least 10 wishes. God: Are you mad, mortal? Have you forgotten your place? I am offering you three, take it or leave it. Man: Ok, I'll take three but you have to give me your word. You can't backtrack on any of these. God: Do you doubt my power? I can do anything. Of course I won't backtrack. I give you my word. Man: First wish, I wish that the hammer in your hand would turn into a stick. God: (laughing) You really are insane. All the things in the whole world and you wish for this?? Ok whatever, here you go. Hammer turns into stick. Man: Now I wish that you put that stick up your arse. God: (furiously) What?!! How dare you ask for such a thing. Man:You gave me your word. This is my second wish. You have to do it. God: (hesitantly) Ok fine. Puts the stick up his arse. Man: Now dear Sucellus, are you giving me my ten wishes or you want me to turn that stick back into hammer again.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step…
I think I’m being stalked…
My body is nicely defined.
If you look up the word "flabby".
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high..
She looked surprised
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok
Wookie mistake.
There’s a lot of big words you’re hearing little buddy, I know it’s confusing …
https://ift.tt/2KkFdp3
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
Why do Native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.
I named the second one Repeat.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn’t autocorrect… EDIT: In case you haven’t noticed, this is a repost. I’m not trying to cover it up, I don’t care. Just wanted to put it out there so the constant spam of comments calling me out on it can let up for a bit.
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door.
Mating Bull
A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign read: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, too." They proceeded to the last bull whose sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! This one mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask his owner if it was 365 times with the same cow."
-I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
A man is walking through the woods…
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible… are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck