A son went up to his dad one day and asked him the difference between hypothetical and reality.
“Well, son, I could explain it. But it would be better if I showed you.”
“Ok, dad. How will you do that?”
“Go up to your mom and ask her if she would have sex with her boss for $500,000.”
So the son asks his mom, and she responds back with “fuck yeah I would!”
The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’”
“Ok. Now go ask your sister if she would have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
So the son asks his sister, and she responds with “Fuck yeah I would!”
The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’”
“Ok son. Now the hypothetical situation is that we are now millionaires. But the reality is that we live with a couple of whores.”
If you see a toilet in your dreams
Don't use it.
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
https://ift.tt/2X1nWIu
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like I’m in for a wild December.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could have done for him.
A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
Why don’t blind people pick up their guide-dog’s poop?
Because they can't see shit.
Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism
Because they're still alive.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza delivery guy.
My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…
Mostly because his name is Steve…
Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers.
Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other.
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn’t tell the kids…
He gives them a clue. “It’s what your mom calls me!”. The son yells, “it’s a fucking dick don’t eat it!”
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?"
A man decided to become a monk
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could use a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin" replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?" "Well, actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
I scared the mailman by answering the door naked.
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
My favorite pornstar died last night.
I woke up today with mourning wood.
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.
A Bar Opened Opposite a Church…..
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business. Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it. Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer. The Church Denied all Responsibility!!! So, the judge commented, "It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.