A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
you red that wrong
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
I told The the judge. “All my wife does every night is go out bar after bar” “What is she doing” the judge replied “Looking for me”
To know about current events.
But I'm a grandfather.
An Impasta (First post here)
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
We're all getting sick of them
It's much nicer having some company.
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar." In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?" "No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
It was a lawn distance relationship.
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
Remains to be seen
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.
But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
That sail has shipped.
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
"Use the fork Luke"
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
No nut November
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
20, 20, 20, and 20.
It's synching now
Some asshole has their pen.
"What?" she asked, confused. I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?