A stutterer’s wife was getting annoyed of his stutter…
So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said:
"Pull down your pants."
"Just do it."
"There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do a surgery to take a bit of your penis of if you want to talk normaly."
After the surgery he gets home and says:
"Hello honey, what is the dinner?"
"Wow you can speak normally!"
"Yes just had to take of a bit of my penis."
"WHAT? GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL AND TELL THEM TO REVERT YHE SURGERY!"
At the hospital the man speaks to the doctor:
"My wife wants you to revert the surgery."
"T-that w-will n-not b-be p-possible."
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
We keep it in the family
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish…
The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?" Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!" POOF She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy. The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?" Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!" POOF Away she went! The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?" With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?" The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!" And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands. Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."
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Seriously, how low can you go?
A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads Grilled Cheese – $3 Ham and Cheese $5 Roast Beef – $6 Hand jobs -$20 A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?" "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks. "Yes I am!." She replies with a wink. "Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?” His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.” The man goes, “Are my children here?” “Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here…" The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I said, “I’m good but im not ready to compete in a tournament yet.
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
He ate his food before it was cool.
A waist of time.
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
I take whisks in the kitchen
He was checking her balance
I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah. From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack… So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate? So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old -And you think it's because he ate chocolate? -No, it's because he minded his own business.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
They always bring their eh game
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.
Trump made a time of 11:56 Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31 Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03 But Bush did 9:11
Now he's a branch manager.
It was here a minute ago
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!
I think I'll call it a day.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.