A stutterer’s wife was getting annoyed of his stutter…
So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said:
"Pull down your pants."
"W-why?"
"Just do it."
"O-ok."
"There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do a surgery to take a bit of your penis of if you want to talk normaly."
"O-ok t-then."
After the surgery he gets home and says:
"Hello honey, what is the dinner?"
"Wow you can speak normally!"
"Yes just had to take of a bit of my penis."
"WHAT? GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL AND TELL THEM TO REVERT YHE SURGERY!"
At the hospital the man speaks to the doctor:
"My wife wants you to revert the surgery."
"T-that w-will n-not b-be p-possible."
I just had to divorce an Apple employee
It was an iDivorce
ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, " that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The HILLBILLY woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The HILLBILLY woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX."
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
The Bristol Zoo Parking Attendant
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees for cars $1.40, for buses $7. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars … and no one even knows his name. Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/fake-parking-attendant/
Why did seven eat nine?
Because you should have three square meals a day!
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
I’m so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.
Im beside myself
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness
So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.
I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends…
It means a lot to them…
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
During the quarantine, my 4 year old has been learning Spanish. Yet, he still can’t say please.
Which I think is poor for four.
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
Damn girl are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?
Because it had a bad driver! drops mic
Why was the cheese deformed?
Because it was inbred.
Great!
https://ift.tt/2lZyVSN
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was
I said "Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want".
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and walks up to the bartender and asks for two beers and says…
"One for me and one for the road"