So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, “Caution, I’m a maneater”. I walked up to the girl and timidly said, “Excuse me, Miss…about your shirt.”
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt." I looked at her, confused and said,"That's actually not what I was going to say at all." "Ohβ¦" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?" "That's not how you spell manatee."
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
I made a website for orphans
Thereβs no home page
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
Be careful today when searching “Giant Black Hole Pics”
All I keep getting are scientific articles.
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didnβt know she even sold flowers!
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up
Itβs gone spiral
In Alabama, we donβt do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
I couldnβt give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand…
WHEREβS MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for Β£2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
Just so everybody’s clear,
I'm going to put my glasses on.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because youβll get jurasskicked.
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
Mexico called.
They are willing to pay for the wall now.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off!
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
I bought my teenager candles for his room.
Itβs pretty lit.
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said βwell then weβll just have to raise some chickens.β I reply, βwell what about Max?β, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, βwell he canβt lay eggsβ
Dad: Son, what be a pirate’s favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby’s! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate’s favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate’s favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
Itβs currently half empty…
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
After completing one year at the company, I told my boss that I wanted a hike.
So he told me to visit Nepal and do the Annapurna Circuit Trek.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
My friend tried to convince me “whey” is spelled “whfey”
There's no f in whey
Why are pine trees bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!!
What do you call a 200 year old buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised…
Bouncer: βIβm going to have to ask you to leave
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I donβt know you, and This is my trampoline."
You shouldn’t fart in the Apple Store
because they have no windows
Seeing a pattern here. It’s almost like the rule of law doesn’t matter to one group…
https://ift.tt/2M06X2D