A subpoena is a subpoena.
Who decided to call them “murder hornets”
and not “buzzkills”?
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end…
But a beautiful finish
I respect tyres.
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
I told my wife, “I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn’t feel as good anymore”
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
Why do you sneak around in leather armor?
Because it is made of hide.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?” She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner
She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
Boy George has 5 reddit accounts and likes to switch between them.
He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.
![Ant monologue [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/aalofaxxb6b41-400x300.jpg)
SHE: Undress me with your words…
HE: There's a spider in your bra.
I probably made over 5 forms that were just front end and had no function whatsoever
https://ift.tt/2YsLYv4
If you insist, we can make love… but in credit card position!!! Contactless!!!
https://ift.tt/33Km3RC
I didn’t realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner
My wife and kids HATED her!
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed…
It was just holding me back.
my wife asked me why i type everything in lower case.
i said i stopped giving a shift.
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
I was Diagnosed with chronic fear of Giants
FeeFiphobia
Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
https://ift.tt/2ZoEPvJ
A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.
He found love, got married and had a son. The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons. Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden. After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone. He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately, the task seems to be too much for an old man like me. I know you're busy with work and family, but maybe you could help me with digging over the old patches. This would help a lot. Love, your father." Some time later he receives a short message from his son: "Father. Please keep away from the patches. It's where I hid the 'Thing'. Your son." The next morning, combined forces of FBI, NSA and HS invade the property and the neighborhood. They start questioning everyone and search the man's garden inch after inch, soil layer after soil layer. In the evening, they still haven't found anything and finally give up. The man receives another message from his son: "Dear Father, I'm glad that you want to move on after Mom's death. Work and family prevent me from visiting you right now, but after the recent visit of the authorities your garden should be dug over and ready for renewal. That's the best I could do at the moment. Love, your son."
Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
What do we want…? Low altitude flyovers!
When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness
So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Christmas is coming
