A summary of Trump’s coronavirus briefings
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
What do houses wear?
Address
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
STDs are a lot like Pokemon…
It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.
What are some funny fake user agents I could use to mess with our IT guys?
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes.
I broke my finger today
On the other hand, I’m ok
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
"No idea, they just ransomware."
Wise old saying
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like I’m in for a wild December.
Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.
The results came completely out of the purple…
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.
‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.
Went on a date to an ice skating rink.
So I fell over and grabbed my knee pretending that I was in pain, trying to get the sympathy of my date. Instead she just stood there, cringing. As did everyone else in the reception area…
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians…
In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?" "Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex…" The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?" "Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex. On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?" "Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister…
it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
My brother came to me and said that he didn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
A locksmith had to testify in court recently
He was the key witness
What’s the difference between Spanish and Dad Jokes?
In Spanish, you roll your R’s and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.
At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
Jesus’ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Why is 6 afraid of 7..
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"
Today my son asked, “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
What is marriage really like?
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner… unannounced at 7:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home? Husband: Because he is thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!
Classic joke for our Muslim friends today
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, 'My door is always open!'
I teach high school English and this is my go to:
Student: “Hey can you check this to see if it’s right?” Student hands me their writing. Me, holding their paper upside down: “well, first of all, it’s written upside down.” And then I give it back to them and walk away as if nothing happened.
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
