A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage…
Only driven from time to time.
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
Day 284 without sex…
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound
A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar
And that was just the first guy
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck!
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
I was being shown around a house. “What are the dimensions of this room?” I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant. “He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”. “What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!” “Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
BECOMING IRISH
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school.. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mick." Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick." "Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mick?" she asked. "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims
What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?
You get NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
An idiot has a mirror in his closet.
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops “Police! There’s a burglar in my closet, come quickly!” A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can. “Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!”
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Leather armor is the best for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.” DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?” Caller: “Goan… spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.” DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!” The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until: DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.” DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?” Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.” DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
I told the wife I could make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
What do you call a Dog with no legs?
Why bother? They won't come anyways.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛
My dad just got a tattoo of a Thermos on his palm…
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"