A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.
The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”
The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?”
The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:
“Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?”
The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:
“A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.
Is it a hymn or a her?
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
When I see lovers’ nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb
When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.
We don’t hate female main characters, we hate bad writing
We don’t hate female main characters, we hate bad writing
Did you hear about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
That sounds a little far fetched
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're very good at it.
Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet?
I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though…
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.
We named him Carson.
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?
He pasta way.
An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.
He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Australian hits him over the head with a bottle, causing the croc to open his mouth and let the guy withdraw his penis. The bartender starts serving the free drinks to the Australian and then tells everyone in the bar "If anyone else can do that then I will give them free drinks also". There is a pause and then a blonde woman calls out "ok, I will do it but please don't hit me so hard over the head with the bottle". "
My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
Peter and a genie walk into a bar
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
There was a young man…
There was a young man From Cork who got limericks and haiku's confused
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
Ass Crack
Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
Pornhub premium users are like jesus
They pay for our sins.
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter! After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!" "I know…" Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
I am staying at a hotel and watched a great movie last night with lots of cowboys, gunfights, and drinking.
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.