A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.
The driver then starts to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio isn't even turned on.
The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.
"Hey, ma-"
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks.
"Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."
"What did you do before this?"
"I drove a hearse."
My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.
He said, “It must be drawn to scale.”
My wife has an odd way of starting conversations…
She always starts by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
What’s the best reward for a knock knoc joke?
A no-bell price
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
The Pen..
Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” Mike asks, “How do you know?” Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
I was at a bar when
A woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. “Well…” he said. “It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn’t decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it.”
"And he won?" I asked. "Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Man: I’ve been shot!
Random dad: How can I help you? Man: Call me an ambulance! Random dad: You're an ambulance
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
I just invented a new word.
It's called 'plagiarism'.
Wife: I have to tell you something, I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
No potatoes.
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
I’m not sure if I like toast.
On the upside, it’s buttered. But on the downside, it’s not.
I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate
In the end we decided to just let her live.
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's different to the other jokes.
Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done my child?” Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.” Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?” Girl: “Because he touched my hand.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he touched my breast.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: “Yes father. Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!” Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “But father he had AIDS!” Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
What is a weightlifter’s favorite city?
Gainesville
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.
Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared" Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
My wife gave birth to a baby boy in the car on the way to the hospital.
I named him Carson.