A teacher asks the class to name something they are not good at, beginning with the letter O. One student raises his hand and answers…
Spelling
(Stephen Cookson)
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
I love the F5 key
It's so refreshing
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
After a date
Her: We should have dinner again. Him: No, I'm full.
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?
Because they don't even Lyft
What do English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the water shouting, “Help! Shark! Help!”
I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…
How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Piece of cake.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
My 3 year old’s first joke
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus!
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wants to go so they all have to leave.
What do I hate most about my Rubik’s Cube?
Well, I don't know where to begin.
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Last year, my friend told me he’s quitting his job to pursue a miming career.
I haven’t heard from him since.
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
What do you call hiking trails around an asylum?
Psychopaths
Nobody knew who the Iranian general was a few days ago…
He just kinda blew up
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He's an artificial sweetner.
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
