A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth…
Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before.
Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say.
After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over.
She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?"
To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Happy Mother's Day!
So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners
Luckily for me, catscan
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch…
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up…
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.
It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Trump is visiting a school and walks into a classroom.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
What do you call an incel in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.
They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
Most people think that the word “Queue” is just the letter “Q” followed by four silent letters. But they are not silent.
They are just waiting their turn.
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
Why is a chemist good at DJing?
Because they know when to drop the base.
The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.
After the owner teached him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand. 'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks. 'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.' So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving young Jeremy in charge of the store. Some time later, a woman walks in. She's in search of a mechanized equivalent of the male boomstick of glory. Jeremy shows her the so-called model 'Hercules'; huge, veiny and with a firm grip. The woman is very intrigued and leaves the store thrilled to bits. Several other women pass by aswell and Jeremy proves himself to be a keen salesman of battery-powered penises. All women leave the store satisfied with there purchase. Then an elderly lady walks in the store in search of some private pleasure. Jeremy shows her the top of the stock, but the lady seems dearly unimpressed. Then, a spectacular model catches her eye. 'What about that red one?' she asks. 'Oh, I see, mylady is a connoisseur!' Jeremy replies. He shows her the model and with a light tred and a big grin, the lady leaves the store. Later that afternoon, the boss returns and asks how business has been. Beaming with pride, Jeremy replies: 'It was great! I made quite the sells!' 'Oh really?' the boss asks, impressed, 'what models did you sell?' 'Well sir, 1 model Hercules, 1 model King Kong, 2 LongSchlong21's and the fire-extinguiser.'
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?
Oh, high marks.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
The average person is really mean
No text found
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads “GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.”
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
If you hold your pee
urine trouble
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet?
I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though…
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.