A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
A very old joke called, “Why Worry?”
Why Worry? In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell. If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry…so why worry?
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”
The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”
I’ve just been banned from r/childfree.
Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.
As a conservative, I could never date an extrovert
Their socialism is just too much
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
I have a friend that is very wealthy and loves to flaunt his possessions.
So much so that it can rub some people the wrong way. He invited my wife and I out for a vacation to his lake house. At one point he had us walk down to the lake so we could see his latest purchase. As he gloated about his new watercraft, my wife whispered to me, “He’s getting on my nerves.” I replied, “Don’t mind him; he’s just show boating.”
Could you imagine the alphabet without the letter B?
It's easy, if you make B leave.
What’s the difference between an asteroid and a meatball?
One is meteor ☄️
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
I never liked myself with facial hair…
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
I had an out of body experience recently.
I was beside myself.
Shit Ain’t Funny Anymore. Stop making Excuses For That Guy Who Occupies The white House.
https://ift.tt/2VYradO
Me: This is my horse, Mayo!
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you can’t come, let me know
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
![[Video] The Unemployed Software Developer](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-192-400x247.png)
[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops. Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him." "Anything?" "Anything." "Well there was one thing." "Oh? What was it?" "Can you take that fucking dog for a walk?"
I ate too much alphabet soup
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement….
I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.
She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror…
(ahem!) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder…" Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?" After a few moments consulting his ipad, the aide replies, "Next week, sir."
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today…
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
