A truly dangerous substance
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said “Remove cap and push up bottom”
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
Back in 1920’s…
…Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities) She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says, "Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here." "What do you mean?" she answers confused. "Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews' "Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish." "Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions…Who is our lord and savior?" "Why, Jesus, of course…" she answers without hesitation. "Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks. "In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger." "Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"
Me, trying to sound smart: So, who is your favorite philosopher?
Her: Itβs Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed….
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed …. Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
Luke:βYoda, are we heading the right direction?β
Yoda:βOff course, we are.β
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's full groan
Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview.
He was asked – Q 1. When did India get Independence? He answered – The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947. Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence? Answer – There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. Q 3. Do you think, Corruption is the greatest enemy of the country? Answer – A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report. The Interview Board was impressed by his original ideas. They asked him to wait outside; but also advised him not to reveal the questions, as they may ask the same questions to other candidates also. When the young man went out of the room, (there was other Person waiting for the interview outside the room). Person(2) inquired about the questions asked. The young man said that he had promised the interview board not to disclose the questions. But, Person(2) found a way out. "Tell me the answer you gave." The young man, thought it to be okay, as he was not going back on his words of "not disclosing the QUESTIONS". So he gave him the three answer which Person(2) quickly learnt by heart. When person(2) went in for interview, this is what happened. Q 1. When were you born? Person(2):- The efforts started long back, but could succeed in 1947. Interviewers got confused…they asked next question. Q 2. What is your father's name? Person(2) :- There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. The board members were shocked at the reply..they said. Q 3. Are you mad? Person(2) :- A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report.
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a support Trump. T.Shirt for 2 weeks. So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm. Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor?
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.
When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, βIβm sorry but weβre all out of rifles.β Jim said, βHow can I do the drills then?β The quartermaster replied, βTake this stick and when itβs time to shoot, yell βBangety Bang Bang!β Go get a bayonet on it and maybe itβll look better.β But, again, Jim was last in line. The quartermaster tells Jim, βIβm sorry but now weβre all out of bayonets. Tie this banana on the end of your stick and when youβre doing drills, yell βStabety Stab Stab!ββ It goes well, but after just a couple weeks of training Jim finds himself in the actual war! Heβs on the front lines, and he doesnβt know what heβs going to do. But then an enemy soldier jumps out in front of him, and his training takes over. He points his stick and yells, βBangety Bang Bang!β The soldier falls down dead. Another rushes him from the back. Jim twists around and yellsβ βStabety Stab Stab!β and that soldier also falls down dead. βMaybe that quartermaster was a wizard β, Jim thinks as he takes down enemy soldiers right and left. βBangety Bang Bangβ! βStabety Stab Stab!β But then a very burly soldier steps in front of Jim. βBangety Bang Bang!β, he yells. Nothing happens. The soldier keeps coming. βStabety Stab Stab!β, he tries. Again the soldier keeps coming. βBangety Bang Bang!β Stabety Stab Stab!Bangety Bang Bang!β Stabety Stab Stab!β Nothing fazes the soldier as he slooooowly pushes Jim over, and tramples him to death. The enemy soldier looking down at Jim says in a very, very deep voice, βTankety Tank Tankβ.
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.
The dentist shit himself, though.
NSFW I once got my ex’s name tattooed on my penis…
Her name was Wendy and i had it done when I was hard and now you can only see W and Y when soft. One day I was on holiday in Jamaica, using the restroom I noticed a Jamaican man with the same WY tattoo. I asked if he had Wendy tattooed on his penis aswell. He replied: "nah bro it says, Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day"
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
Why canβt a pirate ever finish the alphabet ?
Because they are always stuck at C. ππ¦π
The teacher asks a boy if he remembered the chemical formula of water, which she told them yesterday.
He replied β H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O! H to O!
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him “The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren’t working”.
He said, βYou'll just have to be a little patient thenβ.
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says “Dad look…”
"I'm breathing underwater." I've never been prouder.
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…