A uniquely American tragedy.
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime
It must have been something I said
Donald Trump is reportedly banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
My son asked me for $100 in bitcoins.
I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"
Why did the coffee go to the police
Because it got mugged
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
classic
classic
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover there butt Quacks! Straight from my ten year old…. I’m so proud.
We all know where the big apple is, but do you know where…
The Minneapolis?
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
Vladimir Putin has been visiting all the old U.S.S.R. Countries.
You could say it was a Soviet Reunion.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go?
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be
"You guys want to see a dead body?"
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
My father’s name is Lee. My name is Riley.
As a kid, if I ever said the word “apparently”, he would interrupt to shout “A Son Riley!”