A vegan once said to me, people who sell meat to eat are disgusting….
I replied, people who sell fruit and vegetables to eat are grocer
A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth…
Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before. Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say. After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over. She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?" To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"
I don’t always tell dad jokes…
But when I do, he laughs.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
Trumpets and Guns
n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?" The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small. "Um…barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs. Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help. A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!" The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup. Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl. He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey…I'm…Tom." She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking…" she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?" He glances back at the bar. "Yeah…sorry," he pants. "I wanted…to impress you, but…it turned out to be…a pretty cheesy…pig-cup line."
“They were the best boos, the greatest boos, nobody gets boos like me let me tell you!”
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Hey guys, I’m an engineering student and I just started designing these shirts and hoodies, if you like them, be welcome to support :)
—-bit.ly/2QoVGKQhttps://preview.redd.it/ppq3lobru1741.jpg?width=1362&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5b256e5f8360d8f7ec63a0bc9b56ab2e365e5e7chttps://preview.redd.it/w0wsid5wu1741.png?width=474&format=png&auto=webp&s=17eb294daf907213e086eb9862538d198b622e97https://preview.redd.it/mphne05uu1741.png?width=463&format=png&auto=webp&s=90f35493f4e735d87e0bb4b3fae6a944978be5fb
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, “It hurts me when I say this..”
..”But I have a sore throat.”
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns.
It was a play on words.
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my things and right
If a midget smokes weed…
does he get high or medium?
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant….
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Security stops him and says,
There are no firearms allowed in this building.
I applied so much spray deodorant in 2008 that a man suffocated.
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
A man bought a parrot but it had a bad attitude and a fowl vocabulary…
He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its dirty language but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot flies out, lands on his perch, and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask – what did the chicken do?"
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.