A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
After my performance at the shooting gallery, the coach said, “Take a bow.”
"Shooting isn't your cup of tea," he continued, "You better switch to archery."
What do chemists do with the dead?
They Barium
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college.
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.
So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
But no one has given me a straight answer
Love is like a fart
If you have to force it it’s probably shit.
How come you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work
I like telling dad jokes
He laughs at them sometimes
Is my local newspaper trying to fight back against us meddling millennial and gen z’s?
https://ift.tt/33US5ur
My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.
I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.
I just bought a mentos 24 pack for my family.
Best trade ever.
xi jinping has coronavirus
He is now called winnie the flu
“You look like a guy I dated once,” said this woman in a bar.
I said, "Oh…really?" She said, "Yeah. I didn't see him a second time because I thought he was ugly."
How does a tree access the internet?
It logs on.
What do you call cold Mexican food?
Chillychangas
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
On a plane!
Amazing how Evangelicals and his supporters believe he should be the one we trust
https://ift.tt/2JvX7oj
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?” The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
Tried drawing my girl who passed away, will not try drawing again. Sure do miss her though
https://ift.tt/2BWHv9f
Will glass coffins ever be popular?
Remains to be seen
A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag
The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts playing the piano. The bartender is amazed, and so he asks the guy, "Where the fuck did you get this?" The guy replies, "I asked this genie. You can ask for something if you want, but be careful, he don't hear very well." The bartender greedily snatches the lamp out of the guy's hands and says, "I want a million bucks!" All of a sudden, POOF, a million ducks appear in the bar. The bartender who is outraged asks, "What the hell? I asked for BUCKs, not DUCKs?!" The guy says, "I told you, he doesn't hear very well. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
I love pressing the F5 key.
It's very refreshing.
Wife: Honey, I’m going on a business trip to London.
….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.