A very old joke called, “Why Worry?”
Why Worry?
In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, there's nothing to worry about.
If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die.
If you get better, there's nothing to worry about.
If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell.
If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about.
If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry…so why worry?
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
Someone stole my gate
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
Two old Jews are walking past a church
A sign out front reads, "Convert to Catholicism, get $20." The first Jew keeps walking, but soon notices his friend has stopped to take a closer look at the sign. "You're not actually thinking about doing that, are you?" he asks his friend. The second Jew turns back and says, "I don't know, twenty dollars is twenty dollars." He goes inside the Church, and comes back out about thirty minutes later. "So," says the first Jew, "did you get the twenty dollars?" The second Jew turns to his friend and says, "Oy, is that all you people think about?"
My mom sent me this. Ultimate piece of boomer humor, complete with laugh track:
https://ift.tt/38SsqEU
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican
When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?" "No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies. The other six dwarfs start to giggle. "Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persists. "No, none in all of Italy," the Pope answers more sternly. The dwarfs begin to laugh even more. "Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?" This time the Pope is much more firm. "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." By now, the other dwarfs are laughing aloud. "Your Excellency," Dopey demands. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?" "No Dopey, " the Pope snaps. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!" The six dwarfs start jumping up and down, chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it…
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her…
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead Man Wokking
There was once a man who read no books
He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
Bad knock-knock joke #2
Knock, knock. Who's there? Control freak. Control fr- Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"
What do you call a lottery just for brooms?
A sweepstake.
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change 😏😏
A bodybuilder and a blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
My grandpa said that we youngsters rely on technology too much.
I replied "no, you do" and unplugged his life support.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
Wife: whatever means necessary. Me: No it doesn't.
“Do you wanna hear a ghost joke?”
"DAD, please don…." "That's the spirit."
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool
Here’s a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
My wife is yelling at me for having a boner at her mothers funeral
My response, “I can’t help it, it’s mourning wood”
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Did you hear about the communist sniper?
He was an incredible marxman
I invented a new word today
Plagiarism
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
robin: the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget