A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love."
His wife asked how he knew this.
He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship…
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed. "Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you," The Captain tells the recruit. "Do ye have any questions for me?" "Well I was wondering…" the recruit started. "How did you get the peg leg?" "Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle. Any other questions, landlubber?" "Well how did you get the hook then?" the recruit asked. The Captain grimaced. "My hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle. Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead." Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: "How did you get the eye-patch?" The Captain looked down, embarrassed. "A seagull pooped in me eye," he stated coldly. The recruit seemed surprised. "A seagull? That doesn't seem like it would cause you to lose your eye. Did it get infected?" "No," the Captain started. "It was the day after I got me hook…"
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
Did you know the first French fries where not made in France?
They where made in grease.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone
A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says “What’ll it be today?” The bear says “give me a gin and…………………….tonic” The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?” The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “
I like to call my weed “the Quran”
Because burning it will get you stoned.
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it drowns, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
Congratulations to everyone graduating. Sorry this is such a crappy time to be doing so!
https://ift.tt/3aWnEFZ
I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman
This joke only makes sense if you follow rugby:
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
I probably made over 5 forms that were just front end and had no function whatsoever
https://ift.tt/2YsLYv4
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
Why shouldn’t blind people sky dive??
It scares the dog.
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
you guys know how i like to tell my dad jokes?
well i cant because he's not here
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties – he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?” She replied: “My upper half you can see, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.” He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same – she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?” He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”
69 fought 70
71
Vegetarians are like parallel lines…
They never meat.
College Tour Dad Joke
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building. A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?” Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy” Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was soda pressing.
