A “viral” video
“Boss, I’ve got a probl..”
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities. Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
I invented a new word today
Plagiarism
If a rooster in China climbs to the top of a pagoda…
And the town sorceress Wei observes that last night the stars were aligned with the White Tiger, And she sees the sun rising over Turtle Mountain to the east, And she notices the roof on which the rooster sits is made of Earth, And she feels the cold wind blowing north, chilling the Metal in her bones, And she hears the rumbling of a fiery thunderstorm in the south, And her hungry servant reminds her they have no more chickens–only that one rooster left–and roosters don't lay eggs, so can he buy some rice or must he eat the moldy five-day-old egg roll? Witch Wei willed the egg roll.
A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.
I want to be a mailman, but my friends keep telling me I’ll be terrible at it.
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.
I’m not buying it.
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
I can always tell when I’m near an Indian restaurant
That's naan-sense, of course.
What has two butts and kills people?
an assassin
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
A teacher asked her students to share what their dads do for a living.
Little Johnny said, "My dad's a stripper at a gay nightclub and he turns tricks in the alley way to earn extra money." The teacher was Mortified and after class she pulls little Johnny aside and ask, "Johnny is your dad really a stripper at a gay night club?!" Little Johnny said, "No. He's a reporter for CNN but I was too ashamed to say that."
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
A police man pulled over a miner.
Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do. Miner: mine
Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]
Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, whiskeys, rum, vodka, wine, etc. "Very well," Satan says. "You'll spend the next hundred years in here." "Hell yes!" the first man replies and jogs into the room while Satan locks the door behind him. "What about you?" Satan asks the second man. "It was definitely lust for me. I shagged every woman I could in every way I could. I couldn't stay faithful to any of my wives." "Very well," Satan replies and opens a door to reveal acre upon acre of beautiful, horny women in every imaginable configuration; blondes, brunettes, redheads, Asian, African, fat, skinny, voluptuous, etc. "I'll be back for you in a hundred years." "Hell yeah!" the second man exclaims as he charges into the room, stripping off his clothes as he goes. Satan locks the door behind him as well. "And last but not least, what about you? What was your favorite sin in life?" Satan says to the third man. "Man, it was definitely the drugs. I was high all the damn time," replies the third man. So Satan leads him to another room and opens the door to reveal a fat joint the size of a telephone pole lying in the middle of the room. "Alright alright alright!" the third man says as he walks in and sits down cross-legged in front of the giant doobie with a huge grin on his face. Satan says, "You know the drill, I'll be back for you in a hundred years." as he locks the door. 100 years pass and Satan unlocks the first door. The first man comes crawling out, covered in a hundred years worth of vomit, excrement, and piss. Dry heaving, he looks up at Satan and says "I swear to God, I will NEVER drink again!" Satan nods and says "You've repented of your sin so I'm going to give you a second chance at life." Satan unlocks the second door and the second man drags himself outside with his arms because nothing below his waist is working anymore. He's hollow-eyed, emaciated, and covered in scratches and claw marks. "As God is my witness, I'm never even going to LOOK at a woman again!" Satan replies "Very well, you're repented of your sin so you get a second shot at life." Satan unlocks the third door to find the third man still sitting cross-legged with bloodshot eyes. And the enormous joint still sitting right in front of him. The man wipes the tears from his face, looks at Satan and sobs out, "Hey man, got a light?"
I entered 10 jokes in a pun contest hoping at least one would win.
No pun in ten did.
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears
so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema.
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
Yo mamma’s so ugly…
Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
A good number of my friends are racist.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.