A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender was amazed, he said “wow I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel
You know what’s really boring?
Digging giant tunnels underground.
Help me out with my uni assignment by completing this survey :(
Hey old fellas of boomer. It would be great if y’all take some time to fill out this quick survey I’m conducting for my uni assignment. Try to make your answers long pleaseeehttps://ift.tt/3ayaejr
We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can't spell toboggan. – Stanley G. Kapuscinski
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
Kids today will never know how awesome pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.
Most things escape baby goats.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Patty O'Furniture.
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do…
It’s my ankle.
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
What is a weightlifter’s favorite city?
Gainesville
I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early
The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care
What do Lawyers wear?
Law Suits
Found this weird kids’ dragon toy in a store today and I thought it looked just like Nergigante, I looked it up and it turns out there is an entire series of cheap knock-off monster hunter lookalikes, they are not even trying to hide it, it’s hilarious
Found this weird kids’ dragon toy in a store today and I thought it looked just like Nergigante, I looked it up and it turns out there is an entire series of cheap knock-off monster hunter lookalikes, they are not even trying to hide it, it’s hilarious
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They’re, there, their.
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
No text found
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute… He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“ She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.” So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great. It’s a week before he’s horny again. So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says it’s $500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.” So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing. He’s absolutely drained for a month. Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back. He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pussy?” “Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dad•a•base
I was diagnosed as colour blind today.
It really came out of the purple.
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd
HOW TO HAVE SEX WHILE ON LOCKDOWN WITH THE KIDS IN THE HOUSE.
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar' EDIT: HATERS GONNA HATE; REPOSTERS GONNA REPOST. I LOVE Y’ALL!
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right! I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again!"
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crêpes
A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
He’s a good buoy
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.