A whole mood
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
A man goes to a job interview.
"Well, everything looks great," the employer said. "But I see here there was an 8 year gap since your last job. What happened there?" "Oh, I went to yale," the man told him. "Neat!" The employer responded enthusiastically. "You're hired! You start on Monday." "Yay!" the man exclaimed. "I got a yob!"
Comic Sans walks into a bar
The bartender says "Get out – We don't serve your type".
“Welcome back, everybody” is apparently not a good way to start your speech
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.
He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.
Turns out her sister had it all along…
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
What lies on its back 100 ft in the air?
A centipede
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm…
The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie." "Ummm… okay…" the guy says, skeptical. "What for?" "Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell you!" So the guy leaves and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. He tells the doctor his stomach pain is even worse. The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over. The guy does. Next thing you know, the doctor is shoving the banana up his ass. "The hell do you think you're doing!?" the man screams. "You want my help, or don't you?" His stomach is aching, so he clenches his fists and lets the doc proceed. The doctor shoves the banana all the way up his ass. And then looks at his watch for ten minutes. Then she shoves the cookie up his the man's ass too. The man is shaking badly from pain. The doctor tells him to come back tomorrow and bring a banana and a cookie. "Again!?" "You want my help, or don't you?" So the guy goes away and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. The exact same thing happens. This time the man is shaking and crying by the end of it. The doctor tells him to come back the next day with a banana and a cookie. "You want my help or don't you?" the doctor says, cutting off the man's protests. So once again, the guy returns, and gets a banana, and ten minutes later, a cookie shoved up his ass. He's sobbing by the end of it. But this time the doctor tells him, "Tomorrow, bring a banana and a hammer." "Oh God! What the hell are you going to do to me now!?" the man says, and he leaves sobbing. But the next day, he returns with a banana and a hammer. The doctor tells him to drop his pants, and once again he shoves the banana up the man's ass. Then he waits. Ten minutes later, the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's butthole. "Hey! Where the fuck's my cookie!?" BAM!
Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1.50. But a pork pie will cost 1.80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2.30 and a chicken pie will cost 2.75.
These are pie-rates of the Caribbean.
I used to sell home security systems.
It was super easy. I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.
I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.
I was going to put a vegetable joke in here
But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.
My Dad made the best (or worst) Dad joke at our Christmas Dinner
Cousin: I really want a dog this year. Wife: What kind do you want? Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle. My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of “poudles” around. Everyone else : 🙄
How does a meteorologist go up a mountain?
They climate.
I thought it was a booger
But it snot.
My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables… NSFW
No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to. I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says "Take it with me." I say "fuck it. I need a shower too". We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my dick. "Daddy, why is your pee pee so big?" And it hits me "Because I eat my vegetables." He's full on vegan now.
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
What “supporting your neighbor looks like” from a distance during COVID-19. #respect
https://ift.tt/2VJtwgx
Does anybody know if we can take showers yet?
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign" Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
Recently I bumped into the guy that sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says “there is one this I always wanted to know. “
“Ok, ask away” God said. “Do vaccines cause autism?” She asked. “the truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism” God admitted. The women shakes her head and says “They got to you too, this thing really goes high up.”
What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited?
“I’m pumped”.