A [wholesome] boomer xmas comic
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
The man who has invented predictive text has died.
His funfair is next monkey. May he rust in piss.
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
Last year i was depressed and miserable,
But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed
My obese parrot died..
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student responds: What’s food? A European student: What’s scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?
I made a club about erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop, nobody came.
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said “Hi sir I’m david, nice to meet you”.
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes away. A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike–Mike." "Who is it ?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike–it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams !" "So, what's the bad news ?" "You're in the team for this Saturday's match !!!"
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady. [Based on a true story!]
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
“I can’t ever see you again. I won’t let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK.”
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
My wife said she wants me to stop listening to Wonderwall…
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
My dog ate my computer science homework
It took him a couple of bytes
When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground,
So they can let me down one last time.
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.
You just have to have a feel for it.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
I’m glad you like my tiny candles!
I really needed that votive confidence.
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
Justice is best served cold
Because if it was served warm, it would be just water
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
I’m reading a book about anti gravity
I can't put it down
Females are just males…
but with more iron.
Why was mission control so tense when NASA launched a cow into orbit?
It was a high steaks mission.
2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.
The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!" The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.
This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.