A wife is clearing out her closet
And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop”
The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes”
And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”
“Hey kids, it’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow!”
I'm dreading it…
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch…
He could binomial!
People say vegans are annoying
But I've never had any beef with them.
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?
Light Blue
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
On Earth, science is driven by curiosity
On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Heard about the man who painted his scrotum?
Pretty nuts
I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.
It is because she has so many fans.
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
The wage gap isn’t real
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you
You have my Word
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed…..
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room…. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses……. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
A man was driving down the road
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?” The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
A bad workman blames his fools..
EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"