A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”
So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door.
As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!”
He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner
It was just collecting dust
Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you’ll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
Four engineers get into a car. the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says : "its a broken starter" The electrical engineer : "dead battery" The chemical engineer: "impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer: "Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
A fish pooped on my shoes today
That Bass-turd
This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself…
my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
Major Tech Companies as People
AppleApple: That’s a smoothly operating older model you got there. Be a shame if someone… updated it…You: I already know what you’re going to do and I’m not falling for it.Your Attorney: I have to advise that you do what he says…GoogleGoogle: Looks around nervously You’re not gunna tell anyone right?Apple: Unzips pants No, no. No one’ll even notice.Google: slurping soundsYou: Really, in the middle of the street during rush hour?MicrosoftYou: Oh god, No! It can’t have already been a month!Microsoft: kicks your door down, punches you in the dick, and pisses on your keyboard. How’s the mrs?You: groaning Great.Microsoft: Spits directly into your mouth.You: Thank you.Microsoft: Sure thing… See you next build version. flips your tv over on the way out.SamsungSamsung: Here are some features you never even knew you wantedYour friend: Amazing!Phone: Slits your friend’s throat and laps up the blood.Samsung: Wow! Curveball! Go ahead and try yours. I mean, what are the odds that that’ll happen twice?You:…Samsung:…You: Presses power button Do we get vertical app switching back this year?
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high
She seemed surprised
Ralph came home drunk one night
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"
I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
What do you do when you break a stick of asparagus?
I don't know I would just get a-spare-i-guess
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?” His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.” The man goes, “Are my children here?” “Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here…" The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.
my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.
You really need a camera
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.