A wind turbine asked his friend what music he liked.
"I'm a big metal fan."
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
British Humour
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
[SPOILER] Star Wars
https://imgur.com/lglgd2E
Bigly missing someone who sounds like they have more than a third grade education.
https://ift.tt/2wDJ50J
The punchline comes before the question.
What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?
I wanted a tattoo of the number 3.14 on my arm…
But my wife said that was irrational.
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other…she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
What do you discover when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
Time flies like an arrow,
and fruit flies like a banana.
Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet?
I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though…
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
Yo momma is so vegan and fat…
..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.
I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother…
We are from the south so things are going good.
Reddit’s freedom of speech
[removed]
My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
I’m still not going to forgive them for all the running in high heels though.
https://ift.tt/2Y0bzgs
Did u know you can tell an ants gender by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
No text found
‘At a restaurant with food still on my plate’ Server: “You wanna box for that?”
Me: 'It's not worth fighting over'
My mum always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
I got fired from the frozen orange juice factory today.
I just couldn’t concentrate.
How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Piece of cake.
Why do dachshunds love to race?
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
