A wise Chinese man once said
不要翻译
Why did the doctor pull a rectal thermometer out of their pocket?
Some asshole has their pen.
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
two antennas met on a roof, feel in love and got married.
the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
Hibernation
So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god’s waiting to review his life.
God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion…. you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" Johnny replied, " You see God, but that's just it, you fell right into my trap! You know I believed in you, which meant you knew, that I knew you were always watching! Yet you continued to watch my incest porn, time and time and again! So I ask you! What the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" God replied " Damn you're good"
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
The curious customer
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
Where do you keep Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back
My Girlfriend said last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”.
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet. The waitress asks, "Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?" "Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time." "But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks. "Well, then I just call them by their last names."
My wife accused me of being immature…
I told her to get out of my fort.
Why didnt 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2²
My 6 month old son has his first milk shake today.
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.
How would you define propaganda?
When a British person gets a really good look at something.
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?
Cause they know he actually did it.
Only anti-vaxxers will get this one…
Small-Pox
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
Wife: we shouldn’t curse around the kids anymore
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
What do you get if you masturbate today?
A happy, hollow ween!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas…
He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat. Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” Satisfied with the cover up of the dog being blamed he rips his biggest fart yet, this time the mother shouts “Rover! Get over here before that man shits all over you!”
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted……..
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet