A woman got hit in the head by a horse.
Don’t worry, she’s in stable condition.
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Because it is capsized.
What can the coronavirus do that the us government can’t?
Stop school shootings
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?
Mycoxafloppin
I know many jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work
Why do elephants drink?
To forget
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
Provided by my own mother (I left the page in on purpose, I feel like it sells it)
https://ift.tt/2VPRgkJ
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
“I’m sorry,” said the barman, “we don’t serve time travellers.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms
and it hertz alot.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
Kids today will never know how awesome pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.
Most things escape baby goats.
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on,
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Teenage boy can’t figure out how his friend gets laid all the time — but he doesn’t
He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees. "All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time." The teenage boy does as instructed, but instead, the girls see him, scream and run away. "What did I do wrong?" the teenage boy asks his friend. The friend looks him over and shakes his head. "Christ, man. You're supposed to put it down the FRONT."
What sneakers to pedophiles wear?
White Vans
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
literally they all complain about kids and talk about hating their wife holy shit
https://ift.tt/2Ocoyq2
Cattle Farmers respond to Federal Agents burning marijuana fields next door.
"In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher."
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
I’m really excited about the new movie about tractors that is coming out soon.
I just saw the trailer.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?…..
Same middle name.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
Have you guys heard about these new corduroy pillowcases?
They're really making headlines!
A fly felt something bite his back…
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
It sings and drives
John Travolvo