A woman got hit in the head by a horse.
Don’t worry, she’s in stable condition.
There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church’s stairs and vanished.
The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head. One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child’s name. The priest said “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
What do astronauts do when they’re sorry?
Apollogize
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
But this is as close as I could get
People say the back of my head looks really nice
But I don't see it
I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke
But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways
There’s only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs…
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
Did you hear about the janitor who quit drinking?
He cleaned up his act
What Thog say to man
Thog don’t care
Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?
Girl: I have a boyfriend. Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow. Girl: What does that have to do with anything? Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom…
….First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.
I thought to myself… “This sub has gone downhill”.
I want to be a mailman, but my friends keep telling me I’ll be terrible at it.
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
The Pope walks into a Mosque.
The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. “Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball?
He was blown apart.
How does a meteorologist go up a mountain?
They climate.
