A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, “we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we’ll see when you come back.”
So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.
The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.
The third guy doesn't go anywhere.
6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all the countries in Europe and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites.
The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children and Australia and fought a stingray, and survived. It cost me $400k but it was well worth it and is only a drop in the bucket to me."
The third guy who didn't go anywhere walks around the woman once, stops in front of her and takes hold of the woman's hands, "I've just traveled around the whole world, because you are my whole world."
Upon hearing this, the woman became emotional and with tears of happiness running down her face , she says, "That is by far the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. “
After this man spoke such sweet words. She was finally ready to make her the obvious choice…
She then choice the second guy, the one with the most money.
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her
“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Just beer i guess.
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
What’s the difference between an untrained sniper and a constipated owl?
One shoots but never hits, the other hoots but never shits.
Be extra safe on the roads today everybody, us men will be drinking
Which means our women will be driving
William Shakespeare was deciding what pencil to use
2B or not 2B
I’d make a Sodium joke but……Na
No text found
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.” The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!” “No, because he’s heavy.”
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have sex for my birthday.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
My rich friend hired a one-armed butler, and is now regretting it.
Serves him right.
“This egg carton has a barncode.”
https://i.redd.it/q7jnircmftq41.jpg
Master yoda, are we on the right way??
Off course we are
I signed up for my company’s 401k,
but I don't think I can run that far.
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick

From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
A washed up actor hasn’t gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'" When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger. The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?" The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."
Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?
She was afraid of kermitment
My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
What do you call Sad Island weather?
A Tropical Depression
Some dude dies and goes to Hell
"Oh shit" "Na", says the Devil, "Don't listen to that Abraham fella, we actually have a lot of fun down here! Do you like bacon?" "Of course" "Well", continues the Devil, "You'll love Mondays then! Everybody gets a pallet of bacon and you eat until you can't eat anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you have a heart attack 'cos you're already dead!" "Hmm, I could get used to that" "Great!", smiles the Devil, "Do you like gambling?" "I'm partial to a bit of Blackjack, yea" "Then I have some good news for you", explains the Devil, "Every Tuesday we go to the largest casino in the multiverse and you gamble until you can't gamble anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you go bankrupt 'cos you're already dead!" "OK, this is starting to sound pretty good" "I knew you'd come 'round", replies the Devil, "Now, do you like drugs?" "Yea I am a junkie" "Fantastic!", exclaims the Devil, "You'll be looking forward to Wednesday! Everybody gets a great big bowl of smack and you smoke until you can't smoke anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you overdose 'cos you're already dead!" "Can this place get any better?" "You bet!", replies the Devil, "Do you like sodomy?" "Um…no" "Oh", the Devil trails off, "Thursdays are going to be tough on you then".
My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graiins!
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts