A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
Because they’re good at it.
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren’t as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back–wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t uttered a single word this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
It was just collecting dust
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
The lawyer said, “You don’t seem to have too much of a case.”
So I pushed her over.
National Dyslexia Association
It was just one ting after another
…if you haven’t botany
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
I told him to be more Pacific.
That’s a lot of pressure.
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
It’s where I flip your MOM over
They are in for a rude awakening.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
The odds were against me.
or we’d all be sorry
Royalty free music
But I never got the chants.
Well I’ll be damned.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob.’ Bob was stunned.
I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell, 'BOB, wake up! You've shit the bed!
They’re always assembling