A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out.
She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
A drunk guest returns to his hotel and says to the clerk “Hi. I’ve forgotten what room I’m in.”
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
What color is a window?
Well, the answer's pretty clearβ¦
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crΓͺpes
Euro-English
As a part of Brexit negotiations, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will remain the official language of the European Union rather than German, which has been regarded by many as a better choice. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Tripped over a dead body. Drew a chalk circle around it.
Did my part for contact tracing.
Conjunctivitis.com
Now thatβs a site for sore eyes
A man goes into his bosses office
Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly christmas cleaning? Boss: Absolutely not. Man: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you.
I don’t have the best ceiling in the world
But it's up there.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
I didn’t think my dad would steal from his job as a road worker.
But when i got home, all the signs were there.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
Master yoda, are we on the right way??
Off course we are
What’s green?
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.
Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought heβd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. βRabbi,β he said, βI noticed that you buy a lot of candles.β βYes,β answered the Rabbi. βWell, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?β he asked. βA good question,β noted the Rabbi. βWe actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.β βOh,β replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought heβd go on, in the traditional obnoxious way… βRabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?β βAh, yes,β replied the Rabbi calmly, βwe actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.β βOh,β replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. βWell, Rabbi,β he went on, βwhat do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?β βYes, here too, we do not waste,β answered the Rabbi. βWhat we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.β βThe IRS?β asked the auditor in disbelief. βAhh, yes,β replied the Rabbi, βthe IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.β

#textblob #python #translator Spell Checker & Languages Translator pro…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcgtoxRXnRk&feature=share
I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.
Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China. The governor: Fine people…I don't know. Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do? Farmer: I'm a farmer. Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced. Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course. Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government. Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask. Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow? Farmer: I actually have two cows.
Today I went to a support group for premature ejaculation.
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,
"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."