A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up”
The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson.
2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in:
”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
I found out the secret to making money…
But first, let me introduce you to todays sponsor Raid Of Shadow Legends.
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
AI will take over the world
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
“But my turnips”
But im you
LoCkEr RoOm TaLk
We cannot allow this year to end!!
That would be admitting that 2021
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
Hahaha yeah kill wife
I laughed and then cried
A little known fact…
Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home
He’s a wizard
For a Milkyway
Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?” Mother in-law yells “the mother!”
Wife – "Then come clean up your drunk son!"
That’s a nice ham you’ve got there…
It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…
What does a Jew do to his coffee?
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
Seeing six topless women sounds nice…
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
I was going to post a time travel joke but…..
Nobody thought it was funny.
Haha legs go brrrrr
Before you ask her out, she is both single and taken
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
Wife takes laxatives. It’s funny because Easter is in two weeks.
And I can’t unsee it now.
Kids boring, Husband boring. Hahahaha
Omg. We need 50 cc of LMAO stat.
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
Sacrifice yourselves for the economy! It is your patriotic duty!
If Anti-Matter And Matter Were Anime Characters
I heard a rumor about butter. . .
But I don't want to spread it.
Career in Data Science?
My uncle needs to be stopped
Save Icon Coasters (€12,99)
It takes great patience when you’re dealing with a Trump supporter
An interesting title
I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.
Don’t blame Trump….
I keep asking what LGBT stands for
But I never get a straight answer.
It looks so good because it follows the Material Design guidelines /s
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
I just found out that my cousin with a stuttering problem died in prison.
He didn’t even finish his sentence.
Call J. G. Wentworth!
I only believe in about 12% of the bible…
I’m an eighthiest
Three little old ladies were on a bench when a naked man walked by
The first little old lady… Had a stroke The second little old lady… Had a stroke But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
El Trumpo he Lysol
New Hampshire Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the Iowa Caucuses.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only New Hampshire voters can submit flair requests.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
MRW I have to abandon my quarantine projects to go back to work
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “what companies? “ Gas, water and electricity.
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
The creation of motivation
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
You know things are bad when…
A nazi walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!" The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction. The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew". The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar"
This newspaper swapped the heights of these athletes
“Give it to me now!” She yelled “I’m so wet!”
She can scream all she wants, she’s not getting my fucking umbrella
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
I like jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
What do you call an atheist business?
A non-prophet organization.
My wife treats me as if I’m a god.
She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
finally cracked the code