A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
I found the Boomer Grail while cleaning out the office of a retired colleague.
https://ift.tt/30wjdye
Son, have a vodka with me!
No, thanks, dad. Come, have a drink with your father! Dad, I'm 5. – Dad is shitfaced but he insists: Ok, just one shot. The kid drinks it and start crying: Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing! Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun! (Russian joke)
They’ve been making music for longer than I thought
They’ve been making music for longer than I thought
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.
I’m addicted to brake fluid.
But it's ok I can stop at any time.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly…
and as you can see, they were Wright.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Show him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
When I buy my wife something made of gold,
she always gazes at me in Au.
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
No text found
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies. poof The horse disappears. This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”. But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very red-faced. Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
“it is what it is”
“it is what it is”
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.
Unfortunately, the police found it.
A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash…
They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused. "My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free of sin". Eager to return to their lives the men all agree, and POOF they appear back on Earth. They stand awestruck, wondering if what they had just experienced was real or just a dream. The thief notices a woman walking with an expensive looking purse. Convinced that he had only imagined the gates of heaven he rushes and attempts to steal the purse and POOF he disappears. Realizing what just happened the others understand that they must truly live without sin. The Irishman looks to his left and sees a pub. "One drink won't hurt" he says as he orders a pint. He lifts the cup to his lips and POOF he disappears. The Jewish schoolboy looks down and sees a coin that fell from the vanishing Irishman's pocket. He bends down to pick it up, fully aware that greed is a sin, and POOF the priest disappears.
So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?” so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
How do you say ‘what’s up dawg ‘ in Japanese
Konichihuahua
If Mustard cured constipation …..
They'd have to spell it different.
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I don’t know what to make of it.
‘We ran out of protein powder!’
Dad: No whey
Dad
https://ift.tt/2DsYG33
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.