A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.
As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.
"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."
"Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?"
"Well, he's a wonderful lover, for one. He's a really nice guy, of course. And to top it off," he said, leaning into a whisper, "he's got a 10 inch cock!"
She blushes. "Sounds like a catch to me! Where can I find him?"
"He's just a block over. But fair warning, he's also a little kooky. He's only interested in women named after flowers. If I meet someone like that, I send them his way, and then he sends me the flower as a thank you. Yesterday was Rose, and a week ago, I recommended a woman named Violet to him," he said, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him.
The woman thanks him for the info and leaves the shop, bitter about her own name. Undeterred, she visits the well-endowed florist. She steps up to the counter and pointedly says, "I heard you are particularly…skilled in certain areas?"
He smirks. "What is your name?"
Pouting slightly, she replies "Kris."
His smile falters, and his head sinks as he shakes his head.
Kris's heart drops. "Well then…if it's not too much trouble, I'd like some flowers for my mother."
Suddenly, he brightens up again. Without another word, he takes her hand and locks the shop door.
Three hours of mind-altering sex later, she bids him goodbye with a kiss. "And please," he says, "tell your mother she is welcome to as many flowers from my shop as she would like." Taken aback, she promises to convey the message, and calls her mother that night to tell her everything.
The next day, Kris feels like a million bucks and swings by the original florist's shop.
"I just wanted to thank you for telling me about that gentleman! He was AMAZING!"
He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. I just got another beautiful flower for recommending you to him."
"Really? What flower could he have possibly sent that was named after me?"
The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum."
EDIT: Just to be clear, this is 100% OC. I wrote it several months ago and have posted it a few times since then. This is a slightly tweaked version from the last one. I deleted all but the most recent first posting.
What do u give a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?" "No" she sobbed I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
As a part of their job, executioners are not allowed to high five their victims before executing them.
It’s their job to leave them hanging.
Dolphins don’t have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life. When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now that is how to have a good time." A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!" "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?" "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
“Thank you for your service”
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
My Son, Luke, Loves How I Name My Kids After Star Wars Characters
My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much
A police man pulled over a miner.
Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do. Miner: mine
I asked my son if he saw the newspaper…
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
What’s the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.
My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
I googled how to start a wildfire…
It came up with a couple thousand matches.
how many bones are in your hand?
A handful
So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter
It’s pretty nuts.
I’m a time traveler, just arrived from 1990
It took me thirty years to get here.
Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.
My 8 year old came home from school and told me she had a test that day.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
When Unity’s loading screen finally coincides with your feelings about your project.
https://ift.tt/2u4Mi83
Where do horses go when they get sick?
The horse-pital. No I’m kidding they get shot
Dog for sale . . .
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.The owner says "Ten dollars."The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
Two deers walk out of a gay bar
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."