A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
This year’s Fibonacci celebrations are going to be huge
As big as the previous two combined
Wise old saying
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
People ask me why I’m so nervous around trees, and I always have the same answer
“They just seem really shady.”
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What’s your pleasure?”.
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I’d have to get it in a place that didn’t matter…
So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.” I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
Woman walks into a gun store.
"It's for my husband" she tells the owner. "Did he tell you what caliber to get"?, the owner asked. "Are you kidding, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him"
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
Friends are like snow
When you pee on them, they disappear.
My friend told me the funniest joke about the Gettysburg Address.
It was historical
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
Fun fact you can’t breath while smiling.
Just kidding I just wanted to make you smile 🙂
I call my horse Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.
I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
A guy starts at a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
I once made a belt out of $50 bills
It was a waist of money
A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they’ll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.
The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset. As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok…" says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses, "You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"
My priest is a lawyer.
He's my father in law
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's fully groan.
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.
I proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas." The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home." P.S. Sorry
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.
After rubbing on it, a genie pops out! The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The genie asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
I was finally able to get my DVD player to stop playing.
I didn't think it was pause-able.
What did the bee say to the daffodil? 🌼
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears…
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.