A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
Apparently I snore so loud
That it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My son said he was going to read a book by the fire.
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
Boss told me as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, don't know what it has to do with security though.
My wife asked if her turn signal was working
I said "Yes. No. Yes. No."
My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.
What’s the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
No text found
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
Why did I get a tattoo of a calculator?
So you can always count on me.
A snake walks into a bar..
And the bartender says "how the fuck did you do that"
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
My brother said, “What rhymes with Orange”
I told him no it doesn’t
What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
What’s the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
Depth perception
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
![Everything is terrible. [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/Ku1LmY1-400x400.jpg)
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Catholic parrots.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. "I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!" "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."