A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” Mike asks, “How do you know?” Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”.
Change your gears.
A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!" The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10 minutes.. 15 minutes.. 20.. "This is taking way too long.. What the hell is she doing in there?" the brunette asks herself frantically. 30 minutes later the blonde runs out with a rope and ties it to the back of the car. She jumps in and the brunette floors it. The rope tightens and a safe bashes right through the bank wall and trails behind the car. A guard with his pants down runs behind and tries to fire but falls in an awkward attempt to run behind with his pants down. The brunette, furious and red-faced, turns to the blonde and says, "I knew you'd screw this up. I told you to tie up the guard and blow the safe…"
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Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" “Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." “That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." “Sensible" says Jeff. “So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." “And what happened then?" “I kicked her in the face."
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
it was groundbreaking
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
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That you read the first bit wrong.
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
Firstly I’d like to thank each and every one of you who had joined this subreddit. This subreddit full of memes that I, myself, don’t even understand. 20000 people, that’s just… wow!It is an honour to serve this community and every single one of you members, new or old.Secondly I’d like to say how activity in this subreddit has been at an all time high, we are getting more posts than ever, of course that means more reposts, and posts that break other rules that our subreddit has, but on behalf of the moderation team, I’m here to assure you that we have you covered, we want to make sure you only get the highest quality posts when you look at r/sciencememes.I hope to see you again when we hit our next major milestone.If you ever need me, or any other of the moderation team feel free to use ModMail, if you see a post or comment breaking the rules, don’t be afraid to report them.🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
You have my Word
now I only drink for evil
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
But that was a type-O
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells… "SUPPLIES!"
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Everybody knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Your pupils. They dilate.
I told him that was a blanket statement.
Those that finish their sentences and those
Then it hit me
Well Well Well
I shouldn't have named two.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
I still fell for it.
It was just one ting after another
I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink. We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it. I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it. I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it. I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it. I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too. I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey. He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do – I drank it! When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home!
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.