A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress.
The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio.
She looked at him confused. “You mean polio?”
He shook his head and replied, “No…toe-lio.”
He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that.
He told her, “When I was eight, I got the kneesles.”
“You mean measles?”
“No…kneesles.”
Then he removed his underwear. She sighed…
“Let me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?”
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.
She said "They're right behind you".
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
I don’t trust the sea
it looks fishy
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.
At this rate, he will never be in class on time.
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
It’s getting chilly!
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
Why do girls go out in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they cant even.
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
Day 284 without sex…
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound
If you pour salt on a cat’s tail, it’ll fall off…
If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.
This is almost a checklist of boomer. If it has a laughing crying emoji it would be perfect
https://ift.tt/2t64hKV
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
A kid asks his mom, “How was I born?”
The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and smoked them and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born."
Why wasn’t infinity war a vegan movie?
Because everything was at steak
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.
"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold." The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view." The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two." "That's fine," the man replies. "For my second wish, I'd like to have $20 million." "Granted, but your mother-in-law will have $40 million." The man nods. "And your final wish?" the genie asks. "For my final wish," the man begins, "I want you to scare me half to death."
My mate keeps buying cars
He’s got car owner virus
