A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
Masturbating
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
I never knew covering up my bald spot would cost so much.
But it's a price I'm willing toupée.
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s
I told him I knew a bit
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
The pool on the titanic is still full…
Let that sink in
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli…
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
The vagina has more than eight thousand nerve endings
But, it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
Why shouldn’t you ever iron a four leaf clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
Distinctly possible it is
You ever wonder if the reason Star Wars movies came out the order they came out was because Yoda was in charge of the release dates?
Jack And Jill
Jill and Jack go to Catholic school. Jill is known for sleeping. The teacher asks Jill “Who created Earth?” Jack pokes Jill with his pencil. She yells “Oh my God!” “that is correct Jill.” She goes back to sleep. The teacher asks Jill “Who is our Lord and Saviour ?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “Jesus Christ!” Teacher says “Correct again Jill.” Jill goes to sleep. Teacher asks Jill “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!”
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
Accidentally glued myself to my autobiography this morning
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
My mom used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid and insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it…
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth…
How do you grab the attention of a pervert?
An NSFW tag
At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.
He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot." Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well. He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it." Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch. He said, "There is no punch line."
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
What did Han Solo say to Greedo before they played a game of Horse?
I'll shoot first.
Why was the poor man selling yeast?
To raise some dough
How do you tell dad jokes?
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
My wife said I could try lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forward for me
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
"You crossed the wrong guy."
How does a scientist freshen their breath?
With experi-mints!
What’s Santa’s race?
North Polish
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent